Posts Tagged ‘humor’
Dressing for the Election
Political paraphernalia is the new black
Originally published in the UVU Review on Sept. 22, 2008.
It’s important for people to look like what they are. Administrators wear suits, chefs wear toques, rock stars let their hair grow out, and Democrats wear the word “Hope” on their T-shirts.
To flaunt your political leanings while supporting your chosen candidate, it’s easiest to go straight to the candidate’s Web site. Both JohnMccain.com and BarackObama.com have a store selling things like apparel, accessories, and car magnets and stickers. The sites also provide links to other sellers that donate all or part of their profit to the respective campaigns.
However, the candidate’s Web sites feature pretty run-of-the-mill merchandise. If you’re looking for something stylish or unique, you’ll need to go somewhere else. The most popular online sites for campaign merchandise are CafePress.com, Ebay.com, and Etsy.com.
CafePress.com in particular is making a big ruckus over their sales of political prints and how they could possibly predict the election’s outcome. “Merchandise sales indicate a great deal of political passion from the American public, and that ‘instant response’ we saw this week proves the Internet is playing a major role in how we participate in elections. That buzz is back,” said CafePress VP of Marketing Amy Maniatis after the organization got an influx of requests for merchandise after the conventions and candidates’ VP choices.
Merchandise can also be found for running mates and more obscure candidates. A picture of the popular Rosie the Riveter, of World War II fame, has been Photoshopped with Sarah Palin’s face, and Ralph Nader and Ron Paul T-shirts are easy to find.
How to impress your professors
Without actually trying very hard
Originally published in the UVU Review on 9/1/08
In most cases, real objectivity is impossible. This specifically applies to professors and grading, because sometimes, even if you try your darndest on assignments and tests, your professor just won’t like you. This could be a problem for more than just grading; you could lose a possible reference or even earn a bad reputation in the staff room. Face it: Your grades depend on more than what is listed in the syllabus.
1. Approach the first few assignments from an angle that no one else in the class will consider. If you’re asked to make a sculpture of something that is important to you, look around to see what other people are making. Chances are, they’re all trying too hard to impress and pulling out all of the stops. Make something simple and go against the grain. If your professor hasn’t noticed you specifically in the first few class sessions, you don’t have much chance of excelling.
2. Naturally, it doesn’t hurt to know all the right answers. Try to anticipate what the classroom discussion will be about and do a little skimming, so you can make some informed contributions. Nothing is worse for a professor than a one-sided discussion devoid of participation from students.
3. Talk to people who have experience with the professor. You can do this online at sites like RateMyProfessors.com or just by word of mouth on campus. Learn from them what they wish they knew when the class first started. Ask them if there are any tricks to getting on your professor’s good side.
4. Everything about you should be a positive contribution to the class. Dress to look approachable, look the professor in the eye, and don’t ever make negative remarks about the class itself. Negative remarks about issues in class discussions are fine, but never demean or belittle the professor.
5. Even if you know nothing about the subject, try to contribute. Don’t worry about saying the wrong thing and embarrassing yourself. And don’t worry about asking silly questions. This exposes you to your professor as a sort of blank canvas — a favorite type of student among professors.
6. Especially in large classes, it’s easy to forget that you are interacting with a real human being. Don’t treat your professors like a channel for knowledge or a steppingstone to graduation. Remember that they have lives off campus just like you.
Vigilante “superhero” hits the halls of UVU
PlusMan is unofficially here with a mission
Originally published in the UVU Review on 7/28/2008.
If you happened to be on campus on June 22 for freshmen orientation, you probably saw a man running around in yellow sweat-shorts and goggles. Without a closer look, this man could be dismissed as a jogging fanatic, a sartorially challenged aerobics instructor, or perhaps a theater or chemistry major.
These logical assumptions, however, couldn’t be further from the truth. The person you saw is PlusMan, UVU’s newest (and possibly first) superhero.
This reporter was lucky enough to get an exclusive interview with PlusMan. And although it was over the phone — to protect his identity — a few telling facts about his life trickled out through conversation.
PlusMan is a regular student at UVU by day. He said that his inspiration to transform into a superhero took place at the Bookstore this summer. He was making a purchase, digging through his oversized wallet for coupons and cash, when the cashier informed him that he could make this simple by just using his Plus Card.
According to uvpluscard.com, UVU is transforming its regular student ID into a multiuse UV OneCard Campus ID. If students want to use this same card as a Visa debit for use with a checking account at UCCU, they can opt for the UV OneCard Plus.
The hint from the cashier about how much simpler his life could be was an epiphany for PlusMan. “That’s when it dawned on me, man. I was like ‘I don’t need all this. … I just need my Plus Card.’ And I … thought of some of the poor schmucks that were behind me and I thought, ‘So many people don’t know that they don’t need all this, that they can just use the Plus Card.’
“That was the impetus.”
With that, a regular university student became a superhero. He mentioned that balancing the life of his secret identity and the life of PlusMan can be difficult, but “luckily my secret identity is very boring.”
So far he has met mixed reactions from students. “I definitely feel that people are intimidated by me. Like one time I was addressing half of the marching band — I could definitely see the fear in their eyes.”
In the future, you can expect people to react in a much more appreciative way toward PlusMan. He’s planning on using his student loans to pay for card-carrying students’ lunches or even textbooks. He won’t give a schedule of these events, insisting that they are random, but says that if he sees “someone making a purchase … I’ll go up to them and say, ‘Yo, are you making a purchase with your UVU PlusCard?’ and they’re like, ‘No, I’m just doing cash,’ I’ll be like, ‘Alright! Cash on! Lose your money.’ But then if they’re going to use their Plus Card I’ll … just swoosh right in there for them.”
Another reason PlusMan is so excited about the UV Plus Card is that it works with a credit union instead of a bank. His father, a retired banker, suggested that he work with a credit union because “they’re not trying to get those fees from you and stuff.”
Starting August 4, PlusMan is planning on starting a blog at IAmPlusMan.com. He plans on posting about his day-to-day rituals and many adventures. “For example, two days ago I ran out of yogurt … Luckily I had my new UVU Plus Card, shot down, got myself some yogurt. Crisis avoided.”
A prevalent trait among superheroes is that they fight something. This is usually something like crime or injustice. PlusMan states that he’s fighting “unawareness.” In talking to him, it’s easy to get the feeling that seeing a student with a bulging wallet full of cards and multiple bank accounts really breaks his heart.
As for PlusMan’s ultimate message for UVU students? “Get away — get out from under all those cards and all the craziness that comes with … two banks accounts and … sixty credit cards. You don’t need it! Free yourself up. That’s my ultimate message. Free yourself up, man!”
PlusMan is still fighting to become more than just an unofficial spokesman, but authorities still see him as a “wild card.” For now, he asks students to “Go forth and plus.”
How to pull off being a university student
Originally Published in the UVU Review on June 30, 2008.
In the past, UVSC students were always able to act out and rest on the excuse ìIt’s okay, they’re just college students.” Well, that era is over, and now it’s time for us to collectively evolve into something much more intimidating: university attendees. Here’s how:
1. Take your education seriously. UVU is no longer a stepping stone to bigger and better things because it is bigger and better. Now, you can actually graduate a Wolverine, and bring your degree with you to a very successful career. It is no longer necessary to go to another school after graduating here, so treat these years like they are the last years of formal education you will have.
2. Keep staying up late, but do it with a textbook instead of a group of drunken friends. Sure, universities have great parties, but UVU isn’t quite to the point of the fraternity yet. Basically, imagine the stereotypical university student and try to act more like that stereotype.
3. Communicate with your professors. Class sizes may be growing, and the days of the adjunct professor or lecturer may be coming to an end, but that doesn’t mean that your professors aren’t still one of the people. Besides, what’s more like a university student than conversing with a professor over a cup of coffee?
4. Take on large projects for more than just the grade. University students create experiments that change the face of their field, write novels for their dissertation, and create works of art that are used for their final project and then put up in a public museum. So, for your next big project, try to make something that will influence the community.
5. Wear clothes that say “University” on them. Maybe invest in some reading glasses and keep a short pencil behind your ear. Because looking the part is a big aspect of becoming something new.
6. Seriously, decide on a major. A university is no place to wade your toes in the General Education pool. If that’s still what you want to do, take your toes to SLCC. University students have a long-term goal in mind, and their major is useful to them in reaching that goal.
7. Become more arrogant. You’re part of a university now, and you deserve the pomp and circumstance that goes along with that. Also, now is a good time to get away with being a little conceited.
How to never have to pay taxes
Published in The College Times on April 7, 2008.
Ideally, April should be a blissful time. The end of a semester, the beginning of summer, flowers and bunnies all lighten the season. But there is one thing that, for many people, makes April a dreaded month: taxes.
Really, they’re not as bad as they seem to be, but the stigma surrounding tax season makes it hard for anyone to file their 1040. There are very few ways that taxes can be avoided altogether, but that doesn’t mean we can’t try.
1. Don’t make money. Or just be sure to make less than your standard deduction every year. For example, for the tax year 2007, a single person’s standard deduction was $5,350 dollars. If they didn’t make more than that, and didn’t have any withholding, they were not required to file a tax return. These numbers change every year, and are different depending on your marital status, so be sure to check irs.gov for more details.
2. Move to a taxless state. States such as Nevada and Florida don’t require you to file state taxes. And even though a taxpayer’s state return is usually of less financial consequence than their federal, it can be very emotionally rewarding to only have to file a federal return.
3. Don’t buy things. Sales tax is usually less painful, but it isn’t something to be ignored if our goal is to stop paying taxes entirely. Sales tax is different in each state, so if you absolutely have to buy something, consider moving to a different state with a lower sales tax percentage.
4. Have babies. Children are the best tax break that a person can have. If one parent stays at home with a baby (who is twelve months old or less), they get a non-refundable credit of $100 on their Utah tax return. Child tax credit usually means an extra thousand dollars per child. If your income is within the correct bracket, earned income credit can get you up to $4,500 back. You can also claim earned income credit if you are single, but it tops out at about $400.
6. Itemize your deductions. Remember the chat we had about standard deductions? Well, if you can’t follow that rule, you can at least try to itemize your deductions to a point where it levels out your taxable income. Over the year, keep track of your medical expenses, personal property and real estate tax, mortgage interest, unreimbursed employee expenses, tax prep fees, and casualty and theft losses. Usually a person can’t itemize unless they have a mortgage, but that shouldn’t stop you from trying.
7. Man up to the consequences. If you flat-out refuse to pay tax, you can expect that the IRS is going to come after you. And then there will be fees and interest to pay. They do this because it’s not like they can restrict you from using government services if you don’t pay taxes. We don’t have the threat of our children being kicked out of public school or our cars being barred from the highways hanging over our heads, so they have to persuade us to pay by implementing fees. And you can bet that they will.
8. If you just can’t get around to paying, hire an accountant. Don’t let him tell you how much you had to pay, just have him take care of it. Out of sight, out of mind, right?
How to get away with being politically incorrect
Published in The College Times on March 10, 2008.
Everyone knows that if they don’t let some negative energy out somehow, they might just explode. One of the best ways to do this is to put a comedic spin on that negativity. That way, by letting it out, you’re also getting a laugh. However, you have to be careful when using this method, because the repercussions can make the situation worse than it was to start out with.
1. Take a tip from the pros. There are many people who make a living by being offensive. These people (mostly comedians) have learned how to be politically incorrect with little or no fallout. So head over to YouTube, search for Carlos Mencia, George Lopez, old-school Eddie Murphy, Bill Maher, or George Carlin. Study their technique and mimic it.
2. Consider your motivation. There are several reasons to be offensive. Many of them are just unhealthy. If you feel that you must be insulting because you were insulted, or for revenge, then perhaps you should find another medium for your animosity. Something harmless, like subversive knitting or running a marathon. However, it is sometimes acceptable to be politically incorrect because you’re looking for a laugh, or because you have pent up social energy, and being offensive is the best way you can see to let it out.
3. It doesn’t hurt to be charming and attractive. In all aspects of life, we have to try to balance out the bad with the good. So, while being offensive or politically incorrect, be sure that some of your better qualities are shining through.
4. Find a common enemy with your audience. Don’t tell a sexist joke in front of all of your feminist friends. Only make fun of blondes while with brunettes. If you poke fun at someone that your audience isn’t fond of, they are more likely to agree with you.
5. Learn your boundaries. The most important thing about learning to be politically incorrect is to know when to stop. There is a line between a joke that will get you a good laugh, and a comment that will get you shot. Become acquainted with that line, and never cross it in public.
6. If you must find a way to vent all of your offensive remarks, and know that if you do so in public you might be punched, use characters in television or movies as target practice while you’re alone. Nothing is more entertaining and relaxing than yelling at the swooning heartthrob or shy outsider of a soap opera.
7. Do it anonymously. The Internet is a wonderful place where anyone can say anything they want, and it can remain generally anonymous. Start a blog like The Superficial or ONTD, and let loose all of your politically incorrect witticisms.
8. Remember that you’ve got to be willing to take the punishment. If you offend someone who has some sort of leeway over you (a professor, coach, bus driver, or bartender), you’ll probably have to deal with the consequences (a bad grade, a season on the bench, walking home for a month, or weeks of stale drinks).
How to make spring come faster
Published in The College Times on February 25, 2008.
Winter has forcefully taken all color and warmth from the county, holding inhabitants prisoner under skies that are the same shade as the enormous snow piles that line the road. It’s about time for the prisoners to strike out against their frosty warden. Here’s how:
1. Two words: aerosol and Freon. Less ozone means less winter.
2. Use reverse psychology on the weather. Buy a bunch of winter clothes and pick up stocks in snowboarding companies. This is especially useful if you have a history of bad luck. Use that to your advantage and make spring come out of hiding.
3. Send threatening letters to Punxsutawney Phil and your local weatherman.
4. Drain Utah Lake, to get rid of the lake effect entirely.
5. Surround yourself with pastels, and create an apocryphal spring for yourself. Turn up the thermostat, record reruns of MTV’s spring break episodes and put them on repeat, and imagine your way to Easter.
6. Stage protests. This is particularly easy, since the weather is everywhere and it doesn’t really matter where you choose to protest its misbehavior.
8. Get your taxes done. It is possible, after all, that the IRS holds spring hostage until they have received enough money.
9. If all else fails, try your hand with the patron saints of good weather: Agricola of Avignon, Fridolin, and Medard of Noyon (according to saints.sqpn.com). If Catholicism isn’t your thing, try performing a Shinto dragon dance to promote good weather and a fair harvest. It certainly can’t hurt.
How to enjoy a sporting event
Published in The College Times on January 14, 2008.
The College Times is running a new series of articles this semester with the purpose of teaching UVSC students about “how to” do things they most likely wouldn’t learn otherwise. The first in our series is meant to educate readers on how to enjoy a sporting event.
1. Prepare yourself. If you are totally clueless about the rules of the game, do a bit of research. For example, you should at least know that most basketball games are held indoors, or else you might arrive improperly dressed. It would also be useful to know how long a typical sporting event lasts, and if it is broken up into quarters.
2. Find a pleasant seat. If necessary, bring a pillow to sit on. Because if all else fails and you become completely lost and uninterested, you might as well be comfortable.
3. Think of the game as a rhetorical contribution to a larger conversation. The aggression behind a soccer player’s kick is no less potent or interesting than the masculine aggressive tones in Shakespeare’s MacBeth. A volleyball team’s unity is as good an example of teamwork and an all for one, one for all philosophy as Dumas’ The Three Musketeers.
4. Find the parallels between the game and your life. If, for example, you are interested in filmmaking, notice the plot structure of the game … or lack thereof. The excitement escalates with the points on the scoreboard, until at the climax the audience is sure of which team will win. Throw in a couple unexpected plot twists in the form of interceptions or fouls, and finally come to a resolution at the sound of the buzzer.
5. Bring a book or some knitting, just in case.
6. Remember that you can also watch the crowd, not just the players. Sports fans really are an interesting breed. Notice how invested they can become in the game, and how infectious their excitement is. Notice the spectators that use the event as an excuse to be around other people. Guess how much of the energy in the room is focused on the actual sport, and find out what else has drawn people to the arena or court.
If you would like to know “how to” do anything in particular, drop Mel a line at valleyadvice@gmail.com
TASP hits puberty
Theater department comes of age with Canyon Suite
Published in The College Times on December 3, 2007.
UVSC’s theater department is taking the transition to university status very seriously. Among the several changes they are making, the program is starting to approach topics and genres which five years ago were not yet a twinkle in their young eye.
Their first significant step toward the realm of university status is now showing in the Black Box. Canyon Suite, which I like to think of as the department’s bar mitzvah, is a very modern-contemporary piece. It was brave of them to take a script as challenging as this one on.
The show is about relationships, and spans over thirty years. It makes the intangible connection between two people as corporeal as possible, and really has some engaging moments. The acting was good in general, but I expected more gritty reality out of it.
The best aspect of the production was that it did not, in any way, apologize for itself. Too often when a company takes on a new genre of theater they become uncomfortable and unintentionally ask their audience’s forgiveness for their growth. It is an unhealthy practice, and I was thrilled to see how comfortable and confident the cast was with their production.
But the truth is, puberty ain’t pretty. It’s funny and beautifully poignant and endlessly interesting, but it sure doesn’t make for a shiny happy ending. But so what if the show has a few blemishes and leaves you a bit lost in the end; it is at least a step in the right direction.
Canyon Suite does not deserve to be ignored. We must be supportive of our theater department’s attempts at progress. The show continues through Dec. 8, and begins at 7:30 p.m.
A Disturbing Trend
Students stick to their literary comfort zone
Published in The College Times on October 29, 2007
Lately, there has been a noticeable inclination in the minds of fresh young college students when concerning literature: they are sticking to what’s familiar.
It seems that most students can fit into one of three categories: there are those who read only religious compositions, those who read so-called “intellectual” or classical literature, and those who stick to Sweet Valley High romance novels or sci-fi.
On one hand, it is great that millennials are reading; developing a mind for literature in any form is very important. However, adding some variety, the personal library can make for a more cultured and universal thought process in everyday decisions.
True, reading Poe isn’t going to help twenty-somethings deal with their “maybe, someday I’ll have a girlfriend” problem. It won’t help them get through a salacious romantic scandal (although flipping through a couple of Gossip Girl books, by Cecily Von Ziegesar, may give you a few ideas).
On the other hand, spending a couple afternoons with Whitman may actually help students to walk down a path that holds the answers to life, the universe and maybe even love.
If “variety is the very spice of life,” as the author of some first-rate poetry William Cowper said, adding some of that variety into an average student’s lettered life can improve not only their repertoire of books but other aspects of their existence as well.
So, Keats enthusiasts are double-dog dared to head to the library and check out a couple books with bright pink covers and titles incorporating the words shop, love, gossip and/or boy-trouble. The same goes for those who read bodice-ripping chapters-check out some Yunque or Dickinson, and be ready for a pleasant surprise.
